Loving Yourself is Not Selfish
How the Church Confuses Self-Love with Sin
I came across a Substack note that I had to speak up on. It hit too close to home to not say something.
While this was said in the context of psychology, it could very well have been said from a church stage—this kind of message gets preached quite a bit. I wanted to share the note, as well as my response, and expound on it just a bit.
Here's the note:
"You can't love others until you love yourself" is the most destructive lie in modern psychology.
Parents love their children before they love themselves.
Soldiers die for their comrades before they love themselves.
Saints serve God before they love themselves.
Self-love isn't the prerequisite for love—it's often the obstacle.
And my response:
Oh my… while I understand what you're getting at, I think some nuance and clarification of what love you are referring to is necessary!
I'm not very familiar with your work, and I'm not sure if you're a Christian, but that is the perspective I am approaching this from.
It seems that self-centeredness (men will be lovers of themselves -2 Tim 3:2) is being confused with healthy self-love here. You are absolutely right in that there is a ton of narcissism and unhealthy self-obsession going on in many people. This is not, however, the same as "loving yourself.”
I believe that healthy self-love is absolutely necessary for loving others. There are many examples in the scripture of walking in healthy love, and the beauty of loving from that place. Here are a few:
The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these. -Mark 12:31
So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.- Ephesians 5:28-29
We love Him because He first loved us.- 1 John 4:19
God is love, so of course He would want us to embody love—in all its patience and kindness, toward ourselves, caring for and loving ourselves in a healthy way (since we are His creation, His temple). David even marveled at himself in the beauty of who God created him to be (Psalm 139:14)!
There are many who are struggling under the oppressive weight of self-hatred and self-rejection. I was one of them. It led to panic attacks, debilitating anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.
Messages that condemn self-love and emphasize ignoring your needs, while serving more, doing more for others are not only unBiblical, but incredibly destructive. I completely ignored my own needs and caring for myself and always put others first, and it was because I was doing things for love, not from love.
The Word even speaks of this:
If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. - 1 Cor 13:3.
When we love ourselves in a healthy way, extending patience and kindness toward ourselves, caring for the temple we have been given (proper nutrition, movement, rest, etc.) we are able to love others effectively.
Trying to perform for love, on the other hand, while not tending to our needs, may produce what looks like love, but is not actually love, and is unsustainable in the long term.
Anyway, thanks for reading the long reply, just wanted to put this out there, because I do hear messages being preached that send people down trails where they try to do more for others while not caring for themselves, and it leads into all kinds of mental and physical illness. Loving ourselves is just as important to God as loving others. After all, He created us!
First, a Couple Quick Gripes on this Note (and Plenty of Others!)
This note is from a popular writer and got a ton of engagement, mostly likes and positive comments, with a few disagreeing. It's interesting and sad to me that these kind of posts can gain such traction, for a couple of reasons.
1. Imprecision in the meaning of words
It seems that we are so quickly scrolling, even on Substack, which is supposed to be a platform for writing (and reading?), that people latch onto and mindlessly celebrate platitudes like the one we're discussing–without noticing that the meaning of words is being obscured.
What does the writer mean by love or self-love? We can deduce that she doesn't mean self-love at all, but rather selfishness or self-centeredness seems more appropriate.
2. Lack of nuance
Lack of nuance produces clickbait, the hot take drawing us in. This strategy is all over social media, but it's nothing new. Newspapers, magazines, and marketing all do the same thing. Eliminating nuance gets views, and destroys legitimate conversations. You may sound smart, but upon a teensy bit of exploration, a dearth of understanding is evident.
Without any sense of nuance, this note seems to assert that all people are loving themselves (ehem, being selfish). This is clearly not true. But it gets clicks and likes.
As someone who loves words, the meaning of them, and appreciates both grabby headlines and nuanced discussions, I hope that we writers can take a little more care with what we're throwing out there. Myself included. Are we trying to pick fights and look important, or are we trying to add value and have meaningful conversations?
Thank you for entertaining my tangent. Now back to self-love!
Lack of Self-Love Produces Christian Performers
In reality, there are many many people, in our friend groups, at our workplaces, and in our churches, who, hearing the contorted, driving message warning on the dangers of "self-love,"buy the lie that their own needs and desires are worthless, that they, mere worthless sinners, should disregard themselves, and serve more and do more for others.
So they do. They do more. They are trying to make themselves feel better, like good Christians, worthy–of God's love, their parents’ or friends’ love, of their pastor's approval. It looks religious. It sounds religious. But all the while they aren't doing any of their doing out of love, but rather the illusion of it. And then they hold everyone else to the same standard. There was one group in scripture who did this performance impeccably well: The Pharisees. Jesus had strong words for them.
Without a rooting in self-love, we take the bait of performance-driven Christianity, hook, line, and sinker. We look great, and people applaud, marveling, "She is just so selfless." It's addictive.
But God is not applauding. He is grieving. That we are rejecting His beautiful creation (ourselves), and allowing love to be eclipsed instead by the hollow version embraced by the religious elites of Jesus’ day. A form of godliness, but lacking the power (2 Tim. 3:5).
The truth is that we are dearly loved by God, and of incredible value to Him. We don't need to perform for His love, or anyone else's.
Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! - 1 John 3:1
Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? -Matthew 6:26
Valuable things are worthy of love.
Burnout: The Result of Doing Things For Love Rather than From Love
The other danger in performance-driven Christianity is that, without embracingGod's love and loving ourselves, we burn out. When the value system in our churches measures spirituality by how involved we are, how much we do, we will often disregard our own needs and limits in our very pious dedication to service. This is especially true for the vulnerable hearts of people who grew up needing to earn love and approval from their parents.
Our underlying motives are off-base. We are often doing things to assuage guilt, feel better about ourselves, earn love from God or others. And it's never enough. Since we are not settled in love within ourselves, the drive to do more is unrelenting.
It's time to take an honest look at all our "loving" activity, and ask, "What am I doing it for? "If you're doing it to earn your spot in heaven, or the approving glance of leaders or friends, or to make yourself feel less guilty, then you are not engaging in love.
Love is freely given, it is not produced under pressure, compulsion, or from fear.
There's no condemnation–I have been there countless times. I joined the Peace Corps and travelled to Africa out of my own self-rejection and guilt complex. Not love. While people applauded my "selflessness," self-hatred within me was spiraling out of control. And I had no idea until I returned with PTSD.
It's no wonder why we struggle with loving ourselves. Many were not loved properly, unconditionally, growing up, and have not known God as our loving Father. In order to experience healing to my faulty love-lens, I needed to allow God to minister to the areas of my heart that had not experienced His love. It's an ongoing process, and I'm not “perfect” now, or completely "better," but I can recognize guilt and when I am doing things to earn approval. I take much better care of myself, and I love others so much more freely and fully out of that place.
So, what does healthy self-love look like? I'll do another post about that one, because this is already getting long and I'm trying to keep them shorter. So to be continued! But I hope I've given you something to ponder, not only about how important self-love is to God, but also how critical it is for our own health, and long-term fruitfulness.