Chasing Shiny Objects
How unbridled ambition is stealing our purpose, power, and sanity
I'm not one of those people who's always looking for a sign, but I clearly got one the Friday before I was furloughed. When I arrived at work, a gorgeous Luna Moth was resting on the front door of our office.
The actual Luna Moth I saw
Most people probably wouldn't think much of this, or might even be grossed out by a huge moth. But not me. I was am one of those nature kids. My childhood was spent camping with my cousins, and one of our favorite things was capturing all kinds of creatures, including moths. At night we'd lure them into the bright beacon of my uncle's floodlight, hoping for something spectacularly big and colorful. We rarely caught anything good.
I dreamed of seeing a Luna Moth, but never did. Until that Friday at work. Opening the front door, my eyes were drawn to the bottom left corner of the glass, by the potted flowers. I couldn't believe my eyes. I grabbed my phone and took too many pictures and then paraded around showing my coworkers (who mostly just feigned interest - my weirdness likely confirmed). I pointed out the resting beauty when we went for our afternoon walk and as we left for the day. The Luna Moth stayed perched on the door the entire day.
Two days later, I was received the call that I would be placed on furlough. Half of my coworkers got the same call. Others were let go. The entire marketing team with the exception of the Sr. Director were furloughed. There were two rounds of layoffs before that. Such is startup life, and life at a lot of companies at the moment.
It's now been over a month. TBH I really needed the break. Before my manager was hired earlier this year, I shouldered the weight of marketing for our food tech startup for three years. Juggling ten to twenty projects at a time, dealing with nonstop "emergencies," and constantly pivoting with the changing priorities of the executive team had taken their toll. When the news of the furlough came (on my birthday, ironically) I received it as a gift. I knew I needed rest, and I longed for space to work on my business, which I'd recently started rebuilding on the weekends. I had been praying for a break, and here God was serving it up on a platter.
Furlough Phase 1: Yay, Slowness
For the first few weeks, I embraced the slow down with open arms. My soul has needed this down shift. I worked on my business in the mornings, went for walks and runs, got midday groceries at Trader Joes with the SAHMs, sat on the deck reading in the afternoon (I read TWO fiction books. I never, ever read fiction (too frivolous from my constant-growth self, probably....but I think I'm converted now - reading fiction is so relaxing), cooked elaborate dinners, cleaned the house, and visited mom-friends for morning walks.
Furlough Phase 2: Must...Chase...Shiny Things
About week four though, the resistance to the slow pace hit hard. Something popped up for me to chase. And I like, nay love, nay salivate over....a good chase. I've been applying for jobs because, while my goal is to be able to invest wholeheartedly in my business, financially I may need sometime stable for a little while. I'm not really sure what God is doing, or the timing of it all. So I am doing my best to step in faith, but also throwing some stuff out there to see "what sticks." I don't really know how things are going to shake out, but I know they will (Proverbs 16:9).
Ok, so back to the chase. Here's what happened: one of the jobs that I've been lackadaisically applying to got back to me for an interview. It's a role that my marketing-self would be glad to nab, with a reputable company. It would help, financially. When I got the tempting little lure of this job it was like all the competitiveness within me kicked into overdrive. Like I'm foaming at the mouth. I want to run it down and wow them and impress them and get the job.
WTF Why Am I Doing This I Don't Even Want This
But why do I want to get it? After all, I've been longing to shift back into my heart's passion of coaching women (who tend toward intense and driven and are a bit wild like me, but who want their health and sanity and identity back), and I have been over the moon enjoying writing and working on my courses. I've also known I need a major decompression time. It's only been a month, and I'm already antsy for the next challenge to hunt down?
Why do I feel everything within myself gearing up to chase down this job? I stopped to think about it. It's not really for the finances. We'll be ok for a little while. It's not because I love the brand, or product (I won't disclose, but it's kinda meh), or the work itself (does the world really need to be inundated with more products and ads?), or the corporate girlie lifestyle (overrated).
When I think about actually doing the job (you know, the part that happens after you get the job), it puts me immediately into stress mode - back to corporate, my schedule owned by the company, adrenals on alert with pings from Teams and emails (let's be real... I silence all those notifications...but it's still too much). Doing work that provides constant thrills, and attagirls, and keeps my body in overdrive, and then taps me out, and bores me with the 9-5+ monotony, in stale office air under the fluorescent lights, and frustration of time wasted in meetings, corporate jargon, and all the time spent at the office instead of outside, or creating, or with the people I love, and then the extra "team building" nonsense - like really, I spend all my time with you, do we need more team building? Doing work to put more noise out there, to play the corporate game, to get the applause and humble brag on LinkedIn. <<Tell us how you really feel.>>
And I say all this knowing that it's still possible I go back to a corporate job, at least for a little while, because like so many people, it may be financially necessary. But there are major tradeoffs. I want to pursue my passion, at least for now!
Chasing to Chase...
So why am I gearing up like a hunting dog about to grab a nice juicy pheasant? I seem to like to chase just to chase. The competitive drive kicks into high gear. I have always prided myself in being able to do hard, seemingly impossible things, and while this earns me accolades (people have always been wowed by my endeavors - getting into one of the best schools in the country when I was told I would never, fighting wildfires as one of two women on the crew, learning to speak a tribal African language so I could connect with the villagers/survive in the Peace Corps. ... I could go on).
While this ambition is in some ways good - I'm certainly not someone to "rest on my laurels" (I'm not sure what "laurels" are, but I could probably stand to rest on them a bit more) - in other ways it’s a liability. My desire to chase things down flirts with near compulsive-level. It doesn't seem to matter if it's the best fit for me, or if the timing is right - it's just the desire to attack, and drag it back to my proverbial "owner" for treats and pets <<begin hunting dog analogy>>. Who's am I trying to impress in this case? The people out there. Maybe my parents. Myself.
The unbridled drive, I believe, stems from a deep need to feel worthy, and how I felt worthy, and approved, and loved - from childhood on - was in accomplishing things. The bigger, the more challenging, the wilder, the better.
There are so many problems with this. Not the least of which is when you get the tasty pheasant, trot with it dangling from our salivating mouth, drop it down at our owner's feet, and look up longingly for that approval, you realize that you don't even want it. And then there's the underlying root system - how our upbringing contributes to this. I'll leave that deep dive for another day.
There will be many opportunities that seem good. Maybe even great. But wisdom is knowing which opportunities are for now. Wisdom is saying no to good opportunities and staying the course for what our heart desires and where God is leading us.
I believe that part of the enemy's opposition is in bringing us nice, shiny opportunities. We are so easily distracted, a society plagued by ADHD. Our wounded hearts are vulnerable. Combine that with a penchant for performance, and we're off to the races, chasing rabidly after every good-looking opportunity that comes along. And then we are fried and exhausted and that thing - the main thing - that we could have stayed focused on is a Pig-Pen style jumble of chaos. And we crash into exhaustion. The enemy has done his job, easily preventing us from fulfilling a deeper purpose.
So, how do we stay focused on what's most important?
Focus on the Main Thing and Guard it
First we need to soberly recognize our susceptibility to chasing down shiny objects. Unfortunately this vulnerability is perceived as a strength by the undiscerning. I have been in many jobs where a flurry of activity was mistaken for productivity. They are so very busy! Oooh, ahhh... Great, what has been accomplished?
Release yourself from needing to do all the things. Just because you can do it, or you are good at it, does not mean that you should do it, or that you should do it now. Wisdom is key in discerning where to focus.
To gain wisdom over your situation, realign with what you know in your heart is the main priority for right now. What has God spoken to you in the quiet moments? In your intentional time with Him?
Once you know what the focus area is, you will need to guard it relentlessly. Your focus will be challenged. The enemy loves to take us off track from our priorities and purpose, so it is crucial that you guard your focus. I have met CEOs of promising companies who, unable to stay focused, lost vision and wasted resources bounding recklessly after every somewhat maybe potentially promising opportunity. Today, as I am writing this piece, two more opportunities came in to challenge me. 1: I got called to go back to my corporate job. 2: I was approached by a recruiter for a lucrative marketing position with a big salary.
The enemy comes out with guns blazing when you begin walking in purpose.
Allow God's Love to Channel Your Fire
Our propensity, with our boundless energy and enthusiasm, is to spark off into a million directions. Instead, ask God to help channel your get-up-and-go, your creativity and drive, into what is most valuable right now.
Horses, when well trained, go from unruly to an asset in battle (at least back in the day). Water, when contained in tanks or in hoses, enables us to irrigate our gardens when it's dry, or put out a fire, or power wash our house.
Without some level of constraint, power is lost. Focus is power. Allow God to constrain your ambition and competitiveness into focused intent.
How do we allow God to focus our ambition into what is most meaningful? Love! His love constrains us and helps us to manifest temperance - aka not overdoing it. Some people over drink or over eat or over do other things. And some of us overdo it in more socially acceptable ways like chasing down every opportunity that comes around.
Sometimes, strength is going after it (like when you know you need to do something and fear is holding you back). Other times, though, strength is choosing to not go after it. God's love gives us the strength to focus on what's most important and let the other stuff float on by.
God's love heals ground zero in our hearts - the wound that occurred when, instead of being unconditionally loved as kids, we received approval only when we achieved. This wound spawned the unrelenting drive to rack up accomplishments that now has us crazed and exhausted. As the balm of His love treats our heart, it calms that compulsive push for more, and we are then able to tune into wisdom.
Addressing the Root System
Finally, seek deeper healing for what drives your compulsive achieving. I will write more on this subject, but it's often tied into what I just mentioned - the need to prove ourselves and accomplish great things, to gain a sense of approval. This stems from a lack of unconditional love in childhood and programs us that we must earn love/ gain our self worth through achievements. The big, gaping wound in our hearts is only filled and healed by the love of God. Invite him into that place.
As we heal, we can build with power and purpose! The virtue of meekness involves humility, teachability, and strength under control. It is diametrically opposed to unbridled ambition. Would we humble ourselves under His hand, submit our strength, our fire to His love, so that it is channeled purposefully, with control - with power. The meek, after all, will inherit the earth (Matthew 5:5).
Beijos,
Lyn