You are Not a Project to Fix
Toxic self-improvement and a more graceful approach to personal growth
If you're driven and have a sensitive heart, chances are you're trying to better yourself. I'm right there with you. Self-improvement has been a major theme in my life, and I'm grateful for my desire to grow and develop into my full potential. Oftentimes, though, while in the midst of my attempts at personal growth, I've found my attitude toward myself has been hostile and impatient rather than loving. I started to notice something conspicuous:
I've treated myself more like a project to fix than a human being, and it's not only been counterproductive for growth, it's been toxic.
We love to fix. Tweak. Optimize. Enhance. If our systems aren't performing ever-better what are we even doing? In the corporate arena, continuous improvement is the only option. Exceed your metrics. Analyze the data. A/B test. Fail faster, so you can improve... faster. The goal is to perfect the system. What cocktail of inputs will spew forth the most optimal outputs - the greatest ROI. This approach produces results in business, but what happens when we apply the same strategy with ourselves?
The Quest for Self-Improvement
It's easy to see our flaws and where we need to change: we should really lose ten pounds, eat more meals at home, stop losing our temper, get better sleep, drink less, and spend more time with our families. <<SIGH >> It never ends. But we want to be the best version of ourselves! So we forge ahead with the workout routine/ diet / take deep breaths and count to 857 / try the latest health "hack" we saw on IG because we have no time to do any real research (never mind go the doctor). And we're exhausted.
We scroll through social media - the highlight reel of friends, family... strangers... and instantly, insidiously, our shortcomings are again brought to the forefront of our mind. We don't measure up - look at their friend group, their house, the vacation they took. So we vow to double-down on our self-improvement, to make some changes, for real this time. But they don't seem to stick, and somehow we're left feeling worse. Why isn't it “working?”
While the goal of improving our lives is wonderful, the approach may need adjusting. Many of us have taken the business-y analytical optimization and slapped it onto ourselves. We pick and pry at our perceived faults, failures, and inadequacies. Surely we must be able to optimize our way into being a better person, having a better life.
There's just one problem: you are not a mechanized system of inputs and outputs. You are a human being, and growth for a human is not the same as growth from a marketing strategy. You can make some changes, at least for a time, with an analytical mind and brute strength. But there is a cost, and some very real drawbacks.
For starters, often times the changes don't stick. More critically though, the motivation for those changes is usually self-hate (though we may not be aware of it, or would certainly never admit it). You are putting loads of pressure on yourself, and self-hate tears us down over time. You may reap some temporary results, but if the foundation of love is neglected, we will erode.
For example, you can be a driven businesswoman and wife, doing all the things right - you go to 5am spin, shuttle the kids around, make the "perfect" meals, girlboss your way through the day, but find yourself on a short fuse, snapping at everyone, and losing touch with who you really are. Externally it seems like you're doing everything right. Internally you're burning out.
The Roots of Relentless Self-Betterment
I've often fallen into the trap of focusing on the things I think need changing within myself. This has made me feel perpetually not enough, like I'm always playing catch up, and a bit "broken" inside.
Why the propensity to focus on the broken bits?
For several reasons, some of us are bent toward continuous improvement and have an internal flaw radar. Probably from some combination of genetics and upbringing. Have driven parents? A sensitive heart? Were you raised in a controlling and critical environment? Did you feel like you needed to do things just right to get your parents approval? These could contribute to your susceptibility to the self-improvement trap. We grow up thinking we are the problem, so if we just do this or that right, or change that thing about ourself, then we'll finally be lovable - by others (and maybe even ourselves).
As children, our little hearts deeply need connection and approval, and latch onto whatever gets it. If parental love is withheld until we act the right way - maybe getting good grades, excelling at sports, or being a bit more outgoing - this becomes our hardwired default setting into adulthood. We are lovable only when we perform, so we do what we need to do to get that approval. Many of our personalities have even been shaped in this way - we're always the most exciting person around, the funny one, or the one who is always positive and always says yes to everything - not so much because that's who we really are, but that's how we feel lovable. We are designed for unconditional love from our parents, and if we don't receive it, we're left with major wounds.
Our cultural obsession with optimization and perfection doesn't help things. For the more driven, Type-A inclined among us, this never-good-enough, continuous improvement approach easily gets transferred onto our personal life. The quest for self-improvement. While the more laid back types may more content with the status-quo, both personally and professionally, the more ambitious among us are vulnerable.
So we try to fix ourselves, improve ourselves. It's a trap though. We never get there. There is always something that needs fixing. Something to optimize or tweak. It's like a much less fun version of whack-a-mole - we address one issue, only for another one to come up. How exhausting. We try to fix anxiety over here, insecurity over there, an anger issue that's popping up - using our best coping mechanisms, tools and "hacks." It's glorified weed whacking, really. We're not getting to the roots, so those pesky issues keep popping back up, or shape-shift into another avenue. The alcohol issue goes into sugar addiction. External anger outbursts turn into raging internal turmoil.
Self Hatred Disguised as Self-Improvement
The dust settles, and we are left with a throbbing discontent about ourselves. We may project confidence, competency, but it's an act. Deep down we are insecure, because we don't really believe we're lovable as we are. The arrows of self-criticism take aim directly at our heart, and self-resentment flies low under the radar, chipping away at our self-esteem. We don't think we are enough. We must be more. We must be better. Always. Shame has a field day within us.
And then there's the exhaustion. We're exhausted from chasing things to fix in ourselves. Chasing after love - or being lovable.
This mentality is robbing us of our energy, power, confidence, self-esteem, and joy. It is a manifestation of self-hatred. Biblically, hatred encompasses loving less, removing love. And that is exactly what we are doing: withdrawing love from ourselves until we think we are worthy of it, until we fix that area, until we do that thing just right. And it never comes. There is always a flaw. We never arrive. We are making love conditional by focusing on our faults, and in doing so, we are hating ourselves. And it makes sense why we are doing this - after all, many of us were raised in the atmosphere of conditional love.
But you are not a project to be fixed. You are a human. You cannot hate or drive yourself into lasting change.
Constantly focusing on what needs fixing in us works in opposition to our overall health. While we are all a bit broken, focusing constantly on all the broken bits doesn't produce healing or growth, but rather keeps us stuck in obsessive and self-hating patterns.
An Alternate Route to Growth: Love
Of course, there are positives about being ambitious. Personal growth is admirable. We all have work to do, and the solution is not to abandon ambition or the desire for self-improvement. (And clearly this piece is not geared toward those of us who are passive and uninterested in personal improvement - there are definitely people who could benefit from some "tough love" in this area).
I'm speaking to the self-critical, never-good-enough, self-improvement obsessed among us. If nitpicking, and our flaw-radar, and forcing ourselves into change isn't the answer, what are we to do? How are we to approach our growth journey?
Growth comes out of love, out of kindness, and out of nurture. Intuitively we know this - whether we're growing plants or children or something else, a nurturing atmosphere is key. Yet we fail to apply this to ourselves. For those of us bent toward self-criticism (ahem, self-hatred), this love is conspicuously absent. Rather than doing more, and trying to address every little (or big) flaw within ourselves, we can embark on a journey of lasting healing and growth by pursuing love.
But when the Pharisees heard that He had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together.
Then one of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, and saying, “Teacher,
which is the great commandment in the law?”
Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul,
and with all your mind.’
This is the first and great commandment.
And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’
-Matthew 22:34-39What does it look like to love ourselves? Many of us have no idea, because unconditional love was absent from our upbringing. So before we can really love ourselves, we must go to the source - Love, Himself. Can we bring ourselves, with open hearts, (or at least hearts that want to be open), to the Father, to invite His love in. This is where it begins. And ends. And also this is the middle - His love is everything. Embracing His love started the greatest adventure of my life, one that is still unfolding today!
While business optimization is focused on tweaking levers of mechanized processes, true personal growth is relational, because it emerges from love. That is how God designed it, since He is relational - God is the very the essence of love (1 John 4:8).
As we embrace God's love for us, He immerses us in unconditional love and acceptance of who we are, right where we are. And out of this emerges healing and transformation, organically - birthed out of love. Because growth is the natural by-product of love.
Instead of fixating on all our flaws, God reveals to us our identity, and guides us in walking in it.
The vision is where we are going, rather than incessant inward focus. While it is important to understand areas our hearts have been wounded, and to process those with God and others, growth does not result from focusing all our attention on our flaws and aggressively trying to fix our issues.
In this Love, we unfold, emerge into who we were created to be - a little bit less fearful, a little less angry, a little more peaceful and joyful. Day by day. And we are met with great patience and kindness for our shortcomings, failures, and setbacks - all embraced in love, so we can heal and grow.
While it sounds beautiful and inviting, living in the transformative flow of God's love and loving ourselves can be challenging. It takes time. No amount of quick fixes or tricks will expedite the process. Love is patient, kind (1 Corinthians 13:4). Are we able to give this patience and kindness to ourselves? This approach requires slowing down. Allowing God's love to unfold around us takes time, and will continue throughout our entire lives.
Taking the Pressure Off Personal Development
Due to the counter-cultural nature of this patient process, most people will continue on as they've been doing. Quick fixes, quick results, quick setbacks, more things to fix, exhaustion, self-hatred.
You could keep doing what you're doing...How's that working for you (I ask this questions of my coaching clients - it's kind of obnoxious, but gets the job done ;) ?
Or you could take that weight off, put down the blindingly critical magnifying glass you've got pointed at yourself. Slow down, come to the Father, and receive His love: an oasis for the soul. And out of that love be led in the graceful path of healing and growth as you get a picture of who He's created you to be.
Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will
find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.
- Matthew 11:28-30Because we're all a bit of a mess, and in lovingly embracing the mess, we can emerge from it. With the hefty burden of self-improvement off, room opens to flourish. And the journey of flourishing is the beautiful story of our life. It takes time, but the gifts waiting for us are self-love, greater contentment, and enjoying our life, while we unfold into who we are becoming.
Beijos,
Lyn