A Holiday Guide for Recovering Pleasers, Perfectionists, and Tender-Hearted Women
Can you believe it’s the end of November? Here in Massachusetts, the nighttime temps are dropping to the 20’s and the squirrels are in their final stages of bulking (I saw an extra-chunky one eating a baguette in a tree last week!).
The holidays are officially upon us. And, while some embrace the season as an opportunity to recreate Hallmark movie scenes, for those of us with challenging family situations, recovering people-pleasers, performers, or perfectionists, or those going through heartbreak or grieving, this time of year can be dread-inducing. So, how can we enjoy the holidays and not end up box breathing in the bathroom?
I put this little guide together to help you navigate the season with peace and joy and intention. Because it is possible to do the holidays with gentleness, warmth, release, and rest.
Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.
-Matthew 11:28-30
What are Your Needs and Desires?
Do you know you have a choice in what you do this holiday season? Maybe that sounds silly, but as a chronic pleaser, it took me many years to realize I could choose how I spent my time. Most of my life was spent on autopilot doing what I thought I should do, what other people wanted me to do, or what I thought they wanted me to do. Guilt was often the motivating factor. Guilt compels us into action by making us feel bad. But guilt is not love. Guilt drives whereas love leads.
So, do you know that you can decide? And do you know that what you need and want are important factors in that decision?
While you may have been taught that thinking about your own needs is selfish, it is not. On the contrary, loving and caring for ourselves properly—honoring our needs, enables us to give generously of ourselves, which is one of the great beauties of this season!
Ignore your needs, try to please everyone, do things perfectly, allow yourself to be driven around by guilt, and you’ll end up stressed and exhausted and bitter, but you already know that. You’ve probably done that a few times. When we don’t intentionally choose what we will do, we’re caught in the whirlwind of the season—the events and expectations and buying and cooking that sends us collapsing into January.
And the beautiful season that could have been drifts out of sight, again.
But you can design your holiday season with intentionality. You can slow down and give space for the magic. You can choose how you spend your time, and actually be present with those around you.
Knowing your needs and desires—and those of your family, if you have one—is critical in crafting a graceful plan for the holidays. Consider what you’ve been going through: a hectic time at work or with family obligations? A grieving season? Something else? These will all impact what the holidays look like for you. So, what do you need this season? What do you want? Don’t overthink it. Jot it down or chat it out with your spouse.
As you think about what you need and want, take an honest look at your family dynamics. What is healthy for you to be around and what is not? For those healing from abuse or neglect or dealing with emotional immaturity, care and boundaries are needed.
What Does a Peaceful, Joyful Holiday Look Like?
So, in honoring where you're at, what does a joyful and peaceful holiday season like for you and your family?
Instead of letting the festivities take you for a ride, decide what works for your family, keeping a priority on a graceful pace, which will allow for peace and joy.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
What promotes heart connection with your loved ones?
What does a restful pace look like? How many events will you host/ attend?
Which activities or people add energy, and which take it away?
What cultivates peace?
What adds joy?
What enables generosity?
How wonderful would it be to cultivate a mentality of abundance around the holidays, rather than scrambling from scarcity where we never feel like we’re doing enough or have enough time? Answering these questions will help! From there you can decide which family traditions and activities you will prioritize, which events you will host or attend. And what you will decline to preserve your priorities.
Once you make your decisions, let your yes be yes and your no be no. Create boundaries and hold onto them. Don’t let guilt or pressure drag you into things you know are not important for this time. Protecting your peace will allow you to be fully present in those activities you choose to do.
Design a holiday season that looks uniquely you! I have friends who host big gatherings, some who enjoy lots of quiet time with their family, and others who travel. There is no right or wrong way to do it, so avoid comparing yourself to what others are doing.
Graceful Downshift
We high achievers are really good at going above and beyond (and beyond again)! The best food, drinks, parties—it’s fun! Until you’re in a perfectionist/OCD spinout and all the joy and peace are sucked out.
So where can you gracefully downshift?
Where can you embrace good enough, rather than striving for just right?
Where can you release control to allow in more joy?
Where can you temper your expectations?
Where can you create more margin between activities?
Maybe the meal can have some store-bought components. Maybe everyone doesn’t get gifts or cards. Maybe your Christmas doesn’t need to look picture-perfect. And maybe that’s ok. And maybe ok is just what you need, because then you can breathe, and laughter can return.
Because when we release perfection, life has its glorious way of flowing back in. And isn’t that what the holidays are all about?
Release What’s Not Yours to Carry
Women tend to carry more than we need to. This is especially true during the holidays. Here’s your friendly reminder of some things you are not responsible for:
You are not responsible for holding your extended family together. For fixing others. For their emotions. You are not responsible for being superwoman or doing everything or looking perfect.
As you release these false burdens, give yourself permission to:
Be yourself, without the masks.
Disappoint people.
Be misunderstood.
Treat yourself with patience and kindness.
Remember, while you are growing, many around you are not. They will still treat you like the old version of you, and possibly be confused at the new version that is emerging. You can’t control that. You are responsible for your growth, your journey— not theirs. Do your thing and release the rest!
Embrace the Rhythms of the Season
Our culture operates at full-throttle all the time, but God’s rhythms look different. Nature invites us into stillness, connection, awe, and wonder, especially during the winter season. Align with God’s rhythms and watch healing open up.
Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!-Psalm 46:10
Slowness. As much as possible, allow things to slow down. Embrace stillness. Down time makes room for the beauty of the season—the unhurried moments of divine presence.
Nurture. Tune into the comforting, feminine presence of nurture. Festive decorations, welcoming ambience, warm lighting, relaxing and joyful music, essential oils, glowing fire, scents of pine, hot drinks. Create an atmosphere that doesn’t strive for the perfect aesthetic, but invites connection, slowness, and healing.
Connection. Who will you connect with this season? To whom can you extend love and breathe life into? Who uplifts and energizes with their presence? Slow down and spend meaningful time with those people.
Reflection and Gratitude. The restful rhythms of winter draw us into reflection and gratitude. While it's easy to notice what we feel like God isn’t doing—what isn’t going right—focusing on gratitude tunes us to heaven’s frequency and ushers in delight and wonder. Take extra time to reflect about all that God is doing and has done this year.
Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever!-Psalm 107:1
Cultivate the Little Joys
The season is all about the little delights. They don’t need to be expensive or extravagant. Here are some ideas of little joys that work for little budgets!
Explore Festive Activities
Make some hot beverages and pick out a tree or a wreath from a local farm
Go to a holiday market
Walk or drive around and see the lights—in a neighborhood nearby, or the city, or a park
Visit a botanical garden—they often have beautiful lights displays
See a show or musical performance
Play a Game
Games are a great way to connect with family and friends, and liven up any party! From active games like charades to board games, you can’t go wrong. My husband and I are in a Scrabble zone at the moment. Puzzles are also a nice way to enjoy quiet moments with loved ones.
Enjoy Food & Drink
Bring out your favorite recipes or try out one or two new ones.
Embrace warming spices, hearty meats, root vegetables, soups and stews. I have been roasting Buttercup squash weekly!
I am fully convinced that any time of day is better with a tasty warm beverage: chai, turmeric, or eggnog lattes in the morning, tea in the afternoon, and robust red wines (this delicious Cab was just on sale), cocktails, or mocktails in the evening.
The aromas and flavors of baking bring comfort to the home. These pumpkin cream cheese muffins are a treat. I cut the sugar in half (but also increase the cream cheese filling by 50% 😉).
Other Lovely and Chill Activities
If you’re feeling crafty, make gingerbread houses or decorate wreaths. My uncle had a Christmas tree farm for many years, and my fondest memories of the holiday season were working on his farm. The ladies in the family still get together yearly to make wreaths and kissing balls (what a name).
And of course relaxing with family and friends by watching your favorite festive movies is always a great choice. Plus, if Lindsay Lohan can make a comeback to holiday movies, it reminds me that anything is possible!
Prioritize Self-Care
While you’re enjoying celebratory cuisine, emphasize healthy choices too. You’ll feel much better. Prioritize fruits and veggies and avoid eating carbs (especially refined carbs like cookies, sweet drinks, and other treats) alone—pair with protein and fat for better blood sugar balance.
Keep your regular movement routine going. Bundle up and go for walks after meals with the family—even 10-15 minutes is wonderful. Or go sledding or skating!
The beauty of the season is not in doing what you think you should do, or what other people want you to do, or what you think they want you to, or what everyone else is doing. Instead it is found in centering yourself in what is most important for the season you’re in, and partnering with the rhythms of heaven.
Culture is a whirlwind this time of year. Family dysfunction doesn’t stop. But you can create your own graceful, peaceful, joyful haven in the midst of it. And if things don’t go to plan, and you end up needing some quiet time in the bathroom, that’s ok too. There’s extravagant beauty to be found, even in the imperfect.
Reflection:
What does a peaceful, joyful holiday season look like for you this year? How can you embrace grace, gentleness, and rest during what is traditionally a busy time?
I'd love for you to share in the comments so we can encourage each other in grace!
Beijos,
Lyn